iJunk

Matt Butcher has helped me with my ChristianMusicArchive.com web site. This Christmas he had a very clever blog which, with his permission, I am reposting here.

As the holiday catalogs really start to stack up, I'm noticing a trend: iPod accouterments of all ilk grace the pages and websites of every retailer. And many of these are bordering on the ridiculous: A wall-mounted shower stall dock for your pod. A fake 3-foot juke box facade for you pod. And perhaps my favorite thus far, a desk lamp with an iPod dock (what it does, I don't know. Maybe the lights blink to the music.). I call this stuff iJunk.

So this got me thinking. Where in my life am I missing the capability to tote and play my entire music library? What moments of silence can be eradicated? I've come up with a top ten list. If you've got better ideas, send them my way.

1. StoveCast: An oven/stove appliance with an iPod doc that plays your tunes while cooking your food. Bonus feature: Music styles are matched to the ethnicity of the food being prepared.

2. DozeDock (aka PillowPod): A pillow with an iPod dock built in. It plays while you sleep -- perfect for subliminally absorbing information. Test tomorrow? Don't study. Just plug in your pod and hit the hay.

3. RockAroundTheMop: Household chores can really be a drag, but next time you get the urge to take a turn around the floor with your favorite mop, don't forget to plug in your iPod. With your favorite tunes at your fingertips, you can rock, rock, rock around the mop all night.

4. iSpresso: Get over the morning grog with a Latte and some tunes. It includes the wake-up cycle: (a) Play Bach's Wachet Auf ("Sleepers Awake"), (b) grind coffee, (c) play "Friday, I'm in Love" by the Cure, (d) make espresso, (e) play "Frothy the Snowman", (f) Steam milk and serve, (g) play "Flight of the Bumblebee" to get you pumped for the morning rush.

5. FirePod: There's nothing worse than having to put out a fire while not listening to music -- except maybe having a big red fire extinguisher that sits in your house with no other purpose other than putting out a fire if you should ever have one. Enter the FirePod: Make your fire extinguisher work for you. It plays tunes when you're not putting out fires. Heck, it even plays tunes when you are putting out fires.

6. MowDock: Jam while you mow the lawn. Along with a special vibration absorbing cradle, the MowDock includes automatic volume adjustment to really crank up the volume when the mower's on. WARNING: Frequent use of this device may cause hearing loss.

7. iAnswer: The answering machine was passé, almost eradicated by voicemail. But no more! Turn your iPod into an answering machine. Then, you can interleave those annoying messages with your favorite tunes. Listening to messages used to be a drag. Make it fun with iAnswer.

8. FlushDock (Several other possible names had to be removed here -- this is a family website): The average American spends over 40 hours a year using the toilet. (I'm at 72, and it is still November.) Do you really want to spend those 40 hours in silence? That's why there's FlushDoc. Just plug your iPod into the toilet and listen while you're on the go.

9. iSwear: Do you have a mouth like Chef Gordon Ramsey? Is that untamed tongue of yours getting you into trouble? If so, you need the iSwear iPod attachment. iSwear monitors your language, and when it detects certain speech patterns, it uses noise cancellation technology to censor your speech while simultaneously playing a socially appropriate alternative. Replace the F-bomb with "Golly." Downgrade excrement language. And with the auto-learning feature, iSwear can adapt to keep you out of trouble. Includes certificate for downloading audio files of "Golly," "Gosh," "[bleep]", "Darn it all to heck", "Goodness Me," and over 25 other socially appropriate alternative phraseologies.

10. SonicTooth: Medical research indicates that the average person spends far too little time brushing his or her teeth. Are we surprised? No! Precious listening possibilities are wasted while we brush those pearly whites. With the SonicTooth iPod dock, you can rock out while you knock out bad breath, gingivitis, and plaque. American Dental Association approval pending.